


Kintsukuroi

by Shadow_of_Quill



Series: Let's Break Papyrus [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 12:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8249243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow_of_Quill/pseuds/Shadow_of_Quill
Summary: Silence might be golden, but so is honesty. And honesty can do much more to repair shattered relationships.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Kintsukuroi - mend with gold. A shattered piece of pottery is repaired with gold or gold-dusted lacquer; the proof of its fragility and resilience is thought to make it more beautiful.

This... this wasn't meant to happen.

The two skeletons sit in silence. Papyrus fiddles with his scarf, looking at the stove and then the table.

He refuses to meet Sans' sockets.

He tried to misdirect the conversation at first, make it about his clumsiness, about the sauce burning onto the stovetop... he hadn't stopped till Sans said, sockets still empty, "bro, i only wanna hear it if you're being honest about remembering stuff."

He hasn't spoken since.

Looks like it's Sans' turn.

Too bad he can't think of anything to say. 

He takes a deep breath. Papyrus sneaks a quick glance at him, looks away guiltily, and normally the childish gesture would make Sans smile, soften his anger, but now all he can think is _is it even real?_ because Papyrus has been lying to him for so long...

...but not as long as Sans has wanted to lie to _him,_ he realises, and the thought makes his anger drain away, leaving him slumped in his seat as he's confronted with his hypocrisy. What right does he have to get mad at Papyrus when _he's_ the one Papyrus learned this from in the first place?

Papyrus shoots him another glance and straightens, wide-eyed, opens his mouth to speak -

\- and realisation hits Sans in the gut, forcing him back up as he finally remembers that line I kept Falling Down when he told me, finally understands what it _means_ beyond 'this has been going on for a while'.

This isn't about his hurt pride. This isn't about Papyrus wanting to feel like he has something under his control. (This isn't Papyrus keeping secrets for the reasons _Sans_ does.) This is pain, this is fear, this is Papyrus watching for the signs that Sans is going to Fall Down again ( ~~he told me~~ I kept Falling Down when he told me ) because this isn't about getting one over on Sans, or keeping secrets for the sake of it, this is about _not wanting to watch Sans **die**_.

Papyrus only started lying to him after Sans proved he couldn't handle the truth. 

_::Jittering panic, he's done this to Papyrus more than once?::_

Sans shoves the flash of memory away to deal with later(never). If he wants this to change, if he wants Papyrus to believe he _can_ handle the truth, he'll have to prove it.

His hand shoots out, covers Papyrus' glove. "i'm sorry."

Papyrus looks confused, worried, and it tears at Sans because of course his sweet little brother doesn't understand why Sans is apologising. Papyrus has always blamed himself too much and too easily, always assumed far too much responsibility for their relationship. He's never blamed Sans for being thoughtless, selfish -

_::too tired to open his eyes::_

_::the only thing he can do right is sheltering Pap::_

Sans tries to find the words to explain, the honest sincerity that's needed to start mending what's broken between them.

He can't. Accusations, self-justifications, avoidances, self-recriminations, all spring to his mind with the ease of far too much practise - but the truth is a thick mass caught in his nonexistent throat: something he can choke on, not something he can bring out.

He forces himself out of his seat, tugs Papyrus' hand till his brother is standing, steps forwards.

The hug feels less familiar than it should. Sans would tell himself he's imagining it - their last hug that he remembers wasn't _that_ long ago - but Papyrus is stiff, uncertain, and now that Sans knows what that might mean - "how many resets has it been since the last time i hugged you?"

Papyrus gulps, chokes down a sob. "ONE- ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY." The words seem to break something in him, and he suddenly clings tightly to Sans, burying his head in his brother's shoulder.

Sans tightens his own grip automatically, horrified. Here he's been feeling depressed, isolated, just because he's _aware_ of the RESETs, and Papyrus

_::Papyrus knows this horror even better than Sans does::_

"i'm sorry," Sans repeats, meaning the words more than he ever has in his life, "i'm so sorry, pap."

 

Papyrus buries his head in his brother's shoulder, trying to blot out the repeated apologies. He doesn't know what Sans is apologising for, technically, but it's not hard to guess.

_I'm sorry I'm leaving you again, I'm sorry I can't keep going, I'm sorry this is too much for me, I'm sorry you're going to have to spread my dust again_

Papyrus would willingly give up ever feeling Sans hug him again if it meant he never had to watch his brother Fall Down.

But he won't, will he? Because the human is coming, and they'll kill Sans long before he has a chance to fade far enough to die.

"IT'S - IT'S OKAY, SANS," he says, lies, almost making it believable, "I JUST - HAVE ONE REQUEST."

"what?" Sans sounds surprised, but hopeful.

He must be glad to have something he can do to feel like he's making this up to Papyrus. Thinking of that helps a little - it's comforting to know that his brother still does want to make him happy, that this isn't about getting away from _him._

Papyrus isn't bad enough to make Sans want to leave. He just isn't good enough to make Sans want to stay, not as he really is, aware and unsheltered.

It's also reassuring that Sans can ask what Papyrus wants so easily, because he knows that Papyrus won't ask for something he can't do, not intentionally - and Papyrus has a far better sense of his brother's limits than Sans does, after seeing them so many times.

"WOULD YOU DESTROY YOUR NOTES?" Sans stiffens against him, and Papyrus continues hastily, "NOT ALL OF THEM, JUST - THE ONE TELLING YOU ABOUT ME. PLEASE? BEFORE YOU -" he can't make himself finish the sentence.

"before i what?" Sans' voice is low, angry.

He never did like having his failures pointed out - no one does.

Papyrus can't bring himself to say it. "BEFORE YOU DO WHAT YOU'RE APOLOGISING FOR," he settles on.

Sans goes still against him. "what i'm...?" A beat, two, and then he gets it and squeezes Papyrus tightly. "oh. oh, f- fri- ... _fuck_."

"LANGUAGE," Papyrus scolds reflexively, but he accepts it as what it's meant to be - a tacit acknowledgement that Papyrus _isn't_ a child any more.

He might as well enjoy it. It isn't worth losing his brother for, but it's the only consolation he'll get. And it's more than he's had before.

...Something about that thought catches at him, but before he can grasp why, Sans is talking again. "pap, that ain't what i was apologising for."

"OH." 

It's stupid to feel so crushed, Papyrus tells himself fiercely. It's ridiculous of him to be upset just because his brother isn't admitting that losing him hurts Papyrus, because his brother is too busy drowning in his own sorrow to see - Papyrus cuts the thought off sharply.

Sans reaches up, tilts Papyrus' head to meet his eyesockets. "hey. hey. pap. bro." His voice is gentle, but there's an edge to it that Papyrus hasn't heard since... since the first RESETs. (Except when Sans has faced the human in the Judgement Hall...) "i ain't gonna give up this time."

And that isn't a promise Sans has ever known enough to make, before. But Papyrus daren't believe it. (How could knowing that you failed before make you stronger?)

It hurts. It hurts, and Papyrus is stupid, because despite all he's seen he can't stop himself from thinking that maybe, just maybe, Sans _will_ keep his promise. Sans won't give up. Sans won't Fall Down.

And then it feels like Papyrus' soul turns to ice as he realises that that means Sans will face the human again.

"bro?" Sans guides Papyrus back into his seat, hovers over him. Papyrus has no idea what showed on his face, but apparently it was worrying. "pap, what's wrong?"

Papyrus swallows, shakes his head, hugs Sans again - it's been so long since he _could,_ he doesn't want to let go unless he has to. Sans seems to understand, hugs back without any cracks about being needy or handsy, gives Papyrus all the time he needs to reassure himself that his brother is right here, alive and well.

( _For now,_ part of his mind whispers, and Papyrus shoves that thought down deep.)

After a bit, Sans starts shifting on his feet. "bro, it okay if i grab a chair or something? guess i'm a bit heavier than i realised."

Instead of answering, Papyrus tugs Sans onto his lap. 

"ooor this works too." Papyrus would worry that he's asking for too much, being smothering, but Sans just slings an arm around his shoulders and stays put.

It's an embarrassingly long time before Papyrus can bring himself to loosen his hold. He's about to start apologising, but Sans gets there first with a thoughtful, "been missing this way more than i thought i was."

"W-WHAT?"

"this. us not holding each other at arm's length." Papyrus snorts with laughter despite himself, because they certainly aren't doing _that_ right now. Sans is grinning back at him, _meaning_ it more than he has in - longer than Papyrus wants to consider.

But it's not long before he turns serious. "so. can you tell me what that was about?"

Papyrus doesn't want to.

Papyrus wants to shake his head and bury his face in his brother's shoulder and pretend he's still a child.

Papyrus wants to say he has no idea what Sans means, and hide beneath his familiar mask, and keep to the poisonous comfort of routine.

Papyrus has no idea what he wants.

...Papyrus wants to believe in his brother.

"...YOU'RE GOING TO DIE."

 

Sans bites down on his first urge to deflect, to minimize ("hey, everyone dies, bro"). The last line in his latest entry dances before his eyes; the human is going to kill me next time and he'll se

_::A skull resting on a pile of dust says, "YOU CAN DO A LITTLE BETTER! EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK SO! I... I PROMISE..."::_

Sans breathes through the sharp pain of the memory. "like you do?"

Papyrus winces, but nods. "EXCEPT THAT YOU FIGHT, BROTHER. AND YOU'VE HELD THEM OFF, HELD THEM BACK, EVERY TIME - BUT - THEY _LEARN,_ BROTHER, THEY KNOW YOUR PATTERNS NOW, AND - AND THE _NEXT_ TIME -"

"I haven't died to 'em yet?" Sans is more impressed by himself than he'd have expected to be.

Papyrus seems to understand, gives him a shaky smile before it dissolves to sheer worry.

"NOT YET. AND THEY'RE - WELL, THEY GET - DETERMINED. TO ACHIEVE THINGS."

"what does killing everyone they run into achieve?" Sans has to ask. He knows that must be what the human does, because he knows himself well enough to be sure that he'd never bother trying to stand against the human if there were even the slightest chance of someone else stopping them.

(He'd love to think Asgore could, but he remembers that one terrible glimpse of the timelines he had before the machine overloaded. It's burned into his memory, indelible -

\- and there is no timeline where the monsters free themselves with seven human souls.)

Papyrus just shrugs helplessly. Sans snorts at himself - Papyrus has less chance of understanding the human than he does, what with his little brother's permanent optimism and belief and general _goodness_.

But Papyrus looks confused and ashamed of himself as he adds, "AT LEAST, I _THOUGHT_ THEY DID..."

"huh? changing your mind about that?"

"W-WELL. THEY DIDN'T KILL ANYONE ON THEIR LAST RUN." Papyrus' face goes blank, distant, and then he focusses on Sans again. "THEY HAVEN'T KILLED ANYONE IN THE RUINS THIS TIME, EITHER."

Sans chokes on his breath. "you can tell?!"

"OF COURSE!" Papyrus seems surprised Sans didn't expect this. "WHAT _DO_ YOUR NOTES SAY ABOUT ME?"

"...maybe not enough. they kind of got cut off in the middle." _Did_ he know about this?

he remembers the resets ALL of them even after he gets killed

Sans feels his curiousity stir. Normally, he'd try to force it down again, not wanting his brother to feel like a specimen under study - but curiousity is interest, is the opposite of the empty tiredness of Falling Down, and he thinks Papyrus would prefer answering questions to thinking his brother is hiding that. "how's that even work?"

Papyrus shrugs, but instead of looking insulted there's a cautious hope in his face, showing Sans that he was right. "I DON'T KNOW THE MECHANISMS, SINCE YOU AND ALPHYS NEVER DID WORK THAT OUT DURING THE CONVERSATIONS I WAS THERE FOR -"

"you were -" Sans starts, confused

_::Alphys looks between them, concerned. "A-are you s-sure -"_

_"hey, he was there when it happened, too."::_

"- you were there." Self-disgust starts churning in Sans' non-existent gut, because it's all too easy to guess why Papyrus stopped joining them for their discussions about the failed machine and what they found out from it. And the reason has nothing to do with Papyrus' boredom when theoretical temporal physics is discussed.

_::"not coming, bro?" and the weirdest sense of relief when Papyrus shakes his head::_

"YES." Papyrus is watching him carefully, trying to read his reaction to this discovery. Sans starts to play it down - then stops himself before he can say a word, because there's no chance lying like that would make Papyrus feel _less_ worried. 

The only words coming to mind are the exact sort of thing he needs not to say, though. (And isn't it so typical that his quick speech only lasts till he _needs_ it.) He reaches up and squeezes Papyrus' arm instead, leaning against him for a moment.

Papryus' face lights up brighter than any words could have gained, just from this simple proof that Sans isn't going to start dissembling again. He squeezes Sans in response, and continues his explanation. "SO FAR AS I UNDERSTAND IT, BROTHER, YOU CAME AWAY FROM THE ACCIDENT WITH AN AWARENESS OF THE RESETS, AN ABILITY TO TEMPORARILY PAUSE TIME FOR EVERYONE BUT YOURSELF AND ONE OR TWO OTHER PEOPLE, AND KNOWLEDGE OF - HMM. YOU CALL THEM 'SHORTCUTS', DON'T YOU? THEY'RE LIKE PORTALS SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE AREA INSIDE THE BARRIER, EXCEPT NO ONE ELSE CAN SENSE THEM EVEN WHEN YOU'RE USING THEM."

Sans nods slowly, sockets wide. He's been overlooking Papyrus' hints and jabs about them, telling himself that they were all just lucky guesses - anything to avoid having to admit that Papyrus might know more than Sans wants him to.

Before he can distract himself with a new wave of self-loathing at the thought, Papyrus continues, "WHILE I CAME AWAY WITH PERFECT MEMORY OF WHAT HAPPENS DURING EACH RUN REGARDLESS OF MY STATE DURING IT, CENTRED ON WHOMEVER POSSESSES THE MOST DETERMINATION AND THEREFORE CONTROLS THE RESETS." 

Sans freezes at the confirmation of how much he's been missing. Papyrus has known this, remembered this, and he's been - 

"AND ALSO THE ABLIITY TO PERCEIVE ROOMS THROUGH TELEPHONE SIGNALS, FOR SOME REASON," Papyrus adds with a frown before Sans can lose himself in his self-disgust.

Sans stares at him, completely sidetracked (and is that what Papyrus was hoping for when he told him?). "you can see through the phone."

"YES." Papyrus sighs. "IT IS VERY DISORIENTING."

"uh _huh._ " Sans watches closely for any signs that Papyrus is trying to pull his leg.

There aren't any. And that _might_ just be because Sans isn't as good at reading Papyrus as he'd like to think he is - that got proved this morning when he read his notes - but it's not as if Sans' abilities seem like they connect, and... he has _suspicions_ about those Memoryhead amalgamates who can only communicate through other people's phones.

Despite the implications, he can't quite resist teasing, "...that's just weird."

Papyrus huffs at him. "THANK YOU FOR AT LEAST NOT SAYING SOMETHING STUPID ABOUT 'CALLING MY BLUFF' OR THE LIKE."

Sans tries not to let his grin widen. "would i do that to you?"

"YES," Papyrus says immediately.

"heh." Sans rubs a hand over his face as he digests what Papyrus has told him, trying to think about what it _means_ (other than that he's a terrible brother, because that is literally the least important part right now). "damn. i always knew you were strong, but i've seriously got no clue how you made it this long being stuck in a bunch of timeloops no one else remembers."

Papyrus' smile is wry. "THEY DO."

Sans snaps upright so fast their skulls almost collide. "What?!"

"THEY DO! NOT CLEARLY, BUT -" Papyrus sighs, shaking his head at Sans. "FOR SOMEONE SO GOOD AT READING PEOPLE, YOU'RE VERY BAD AT **LISTENING** TO THEM, YOU KNOW. 'THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR', 'MY, IT FEELS LIKE I'M ALWAYS TELLING YOU THIS', 'HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID -' THEY REMEMBER NEARLY AS WELL AS YOU DO, BROTHER. THEY JUST DON'T HAVE ANY CONTEXT FOR IT." 

Sans wants to puff up in offended pride at the suggestion that he's not as good at reading people as he thinks, but now that Papyrus has pointed it out, he can remember other hints that he'd overlooked because he was too busy trying to think of a way to singlehandedly protect the timeline... and then too busy blaming himself for _not_ finding one.

_::"Bet Mom's got those cinnamon bunnies baking today!" and off the child runs to get the 'surprise' treat their mother is making::_

_::Doggo grumbles, "Number of times I've tripped over that thing, you'd think I'd remember it..."_

_Sans doesn't remember him stumbling before the timeloops started, but it's not like he paid attention, so he agrees without questioning it::_

_::"got something to look forward to?"_

_"O-oh, no!" but Sans knows she does, even if she isn't aware of it, so he waves her off casually::_

Dozens of similar moments flash through his memory.

"damn. my ego's been pretty out-of-control, huh?"

Papyrus just looks confused. "WHAT DOES YOUR EGO HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

Sans lets his tiredness show on his face - as much as he can, with his jaw locked in a permanent grin. "well, here i've been telling myself that there's no point in letting anyone else know about the timeloops - the resets - because i'm the only one who'll remember enough to make any difference, and that me not knowing anything to solve this means it's unsolvable." Papyrus gives him a firmly disappointed look, to which Sans responds with a tired laugh. "see? ego."

The words make him feel uncomfortable staying in Papyrus' arms - because he doesn't deserve the affection, does he? He doesn't deserve Papyrus' concern - but when he tries to stand up, squirm away, Papyrus just pulls him closer.

"IT IS VERY HARD NOT TO BE EGOTISTICAL WHEN IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO IS AWARE OF A VERY IMPORTANT TRUTH."

Sans sags against him. "you are always way too forgiving, bro."

_::"I OFFER A HUG OF ACCEPTANCE"::_

The memory-flash makes him cringe, and for the first time in far too long he doesn't worry about hiding it from his brother, who just pulls him closer instead of asking about it.

Papyrus sighs, resting his chin on Sans' shoulder. "I'VE NEVER SEEN THE POINT IN BEING ANY OTHER WAY."

And Sans wants to argue, wants to say it could keep him alive, but - it wouldn't, would it? The human would probably just hunt Papyrus down if he didn't make himself available to be killed, and no matter how good a fighter Papyrus is Sans doesn't think he's the best in the Underground. Papyrus doesn't have it in him to really try to kill someone.

He's too afraid he'd succeed.

"heh. you're just too cool, bro."

"YOU ARE ALSO VERY COOL," Papyrus says, but he sounds tired, diminished in a way Sans has never heard before. "V-VERY COOL, AND - AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, I DON'T - DON'T WANT TO **SEE** -" he buries his face in Sans' shoulder, trying to hide the fact that he's almost crying.

"hey," Sans says urgently - he doesn't remember the last timeloop, the last RESET, doesn't know what happened or how he found out what he wrote down, but he knows that whatever it was hurt Papyrus and he doesn't want to see him hurt again, "hey, we'll work it out, we'll make it work, we're in this together now, right? we can find a way to do it, bro." It's strange, sitting in his brother's lap trying to console him instead of trying to pretend things are 'normal', talking to his brother as an equal instead of - Sans doesn't continue that thought.

It's strange, but it's not _bad_. Just... _new._

 

It's been a long time since Papyrus felt like his brother might see him as an equal - all of the Resets, first Flowey's and now the human's, so many Runs when he could _see_ his brother slowly forgetting that Papyrus is a person and not just a symbol of what Sans wants to preserve...

It's been a very long time since he could admit to feeling sad or lost without worrying that it would be the first step to Sans Falling Down. The fact that he _can_ , now - that he can sit here with his brother and be honest for the first time since his fourth attempt to tell Sans he remembered -

It's worth Sans finding out. (It's worth not thinking too hard about how Sans _could_ have found out.)

There's a chance, and that's all Papyrus has ever needed.

He sits straighter, nodding, and forces the last tears away. "WE CAN!" Honesty and experience force out of him, "WE CAN - **TRY.** " (So many RESETs wear down even the most determined belief; the human _can_ do better, he will always believe that, but he can't help knowing that this might be one of the Runs when they choose _not_ to.)

"there is no try, buddy, ain't you ever heard that?" Sans teases, glancing at the door thoughtfully. Papyrus understands his look - their routine for today means that Sans should be leaving soon, to go wait by the Ruins for the human to come out (and pull that ridiculous whoopie cushion trick on them - sometimes, Papyrus is actually a little embarrassed to admit that they're related).

Papyrus sees his brother's eyesockets narrow thoughtfully, recognises the expression he pulls whenever he's thought of a new prank (despite not having seen it for so long, when normally Sans is left remembering pranks he's pulled two, ten, a hundred times before).

He waits to see what Sans is thinking of.

"what'd'ya say we change things up a bit this run?"

We. It's such a small word for how much it means, the amount of change it signifies. Papyrus' soul feels light in his ribcage as he asks, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

And despite everything, Sans smirks a bit.

And despite everything, Papyrus pulls the face he always pulls when Sans is about to talk him into one of his pranks.

Because despite everything, despite all the Runs and RESETs and secrets and lies...

Despite everything, they're still them.

**Author's Note:**

> Who noticed that Sans is still subconsciously thinking of Papyrus as too innocent to protect himself?


End file.
